Regrets

I read an old friends blog today that I haven't read in some time. I have spent the better part of my morning reading this blog and going over some older posts and I just have to say how incredibly awful I feel. You think you know a person and you think that you know their particular situation and today I found that I could not have been more wrong and absolutely judgmental. I think that's what makes me feel even worse. I feel so horrible. I had a horrible fight with this friend and we had an awful falling out and haven't talked in almost a year now. I used to sincerely look up to this woman and would look to her for advice, and thought she was a wonderful person. We had this falling out and I felt a little jaded. I think I have spent the last several months just feeling angry and resentful. I know that I shouldn't have felt that way, but I honestly did. Things, hurtful things were said and I came out to be the one that was irresponsible and childish. I think the thought of someone so close to me at the time thinking I was so irresponsible hurt the worst. I had a little boy who had barely just turned a year old at the time and I felt like being irresponsible just wasn't an option and someone thinking that I was irresponsible, I felt like I wasn't doing my job and I had to make a change.

I had to make a change for the better. I have been praying and taking my own inventory for months now. I knew that there was something about myself that I wanted to change, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. It's not that I hated myself and didn't like the person that I had become. There was something about myself that I wanted to make better. And just this week I have figured out what it was. I have this tendency to compare myself to others and in conversation want to one-up everyone that I talk to. This trait began with one person commenting on how irresponsible I was. Ever since it's like I have had this need to prove myself to everyone and try to make myself sound better than everyone else.

I just noticed this this very week and now that I know what it is, I WANT TO CHANGE IT! More than anything I want to change this. I don't want to be this person who who everyone else finds it hard to communicate with. This is something super hard to change and I have been trying to hard. I have to think about everything I say and every time I let something slip I feel awful and try to make it better. 

Reading this blog this morning, I felt so awful. It really hit me that other people have trials more than I could have ever imagined. I learned so much about myself reading about the lives of others. I learned that emotions play a real role in how people interact with each other. I learned that someone with an attitude on a particular day doesn't have a direct relation to me and that it could be something going on behind closed doors. I think I have reached that place where I can feel comfortable in my own skin. 

Its amazing how one persons point of view on a day can change your whole outlook on life. I know that they may never read this, but in chance that they do, I just want them to know how extremely grateful I am for sharing and caring.