Regrets

I read an old friends blog today that I haven't read in some time. I have spent the better part of my morning reading this blog and going over some older posts and I just have to say how incredibly awful I feel. You think you know a person and you think that you know their particular situation and today I found that I could not have been more wrong and absolutely judgmental. I think that's what makes me feel even worse. I feel so horrible. I had a horrible fight with this friend and we had an awful falling out and haven't talked in almost a year now. I used to sincerely look up to this woman and would look to her for advice, and thought she was a wonderful person. We had this falling out and I felt a little jaded. I think I have spent the last several months just feeling angry and resentful. I know that I shouldn't have felt that way, but I honestly did. Things, hurtful things were said and I came out to be the one that was irresponsible and childish. I think the thought of someone so close to me at the time thinking I was so irresponsible hurt the worst. I had a little boy who had barely just turned a year old at the time and I felt like being irresponsible just wasn't an option and someone thinking that I was irresponsible, I felt like I wasn't doing my job and I had to make a change.

I had to make a change for the better. I have been praying and taking my own inventory for months now. I knew that there was something about myself that I wanted to change, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. It's not that I hated myself and didn't like the person that I had become. There was something about myself that I wanted to make better. And just this week I have figured out what it was. I have this tendency to compare myself to others and in conversation want to one-up everyone that I talk to. This trait began with one person commenting on how irresponsible I was. Ever since it's like I have had this need to prove myself to everyone and try to make myself sound better than everyone else.

I just noticed this this very week and now that I know what it is, I WANT TO CHANGE IT! More than anything I want to change this. I don't want to be this person who who everyone else finds it hard to communicate with. This is something super hard to change and I have been trying to hard. I have to think about everything I say and every time I let something slip I feel awful and try to make it better. 

Reading this blog this morning, I felt so awful. It really hit me that other people have trials more than I could have ever imagined. I learned so much about myself reading about the lives of others. I learned that emotions play a real role in how people interact with each other. I learned that someone with an attitude on a particular day doesn't have a direct relation to me and that it could be something going on behind closed doors. I think I have reached that place where I can feel comfortable in my own skin. 

Its amazing how one persons point of view on a day can change your whole outlook on life. I know that they may never read this, but in chance that they do, I just want them to know how extremely grateful I am for sharing and caring.

Something Learned

I have been watching a few talk shows since the elections. Mostly just the one that Katie Couric does. She touches on a lot of topics that are in the news and really digs into them. I was watching the other day and there was an actress on there that does the biggest loser and she is also a mother. She was asked, how do you do it all. And what she said just really hit home with me and it was just so wonderful. She said that there wasn't one day that passed where she thought that she was perfect at every single one of her jobs. If she's super mom, her acting suffers a little and vice versa. But she also said there wasn't ever more than one day where she felt as though she was failing as a mother. And it was so wonderful to hear something like that. I can relate to that.

Brenden and Aria are great and I love them to pieces. I don't feel like super mom every day, heck its rare that I do feel like super mom, but every once in awhile its good to feel that way. Most days I feel as though I have taken good care of my kids, but my house is trashed and that's okay. Some days my house is spotless, but my kids are driving me nuts, and I don't feel like the best mommy. And then I have those days where my husband is home and I feel relaxed and I can do it all! Sure I have days where I feel like a bad mean mommy, but the next day is always so much more awesome and I'm so grateful that my eyes have been opened and I can see these things and feel so great about myself.

I'm not always perfect, but I'm always striving for perfection!

Halloween in PIctures